Every relationship is unequal at one point. It’s hard to find one that’s equal in terms of time, effort, and emotions spent. This goes for friendship as well. Friendship is a curious thing. One that you choose to pour in hard work without obligation, yet it’s easy to drift and end in silence.
Friendship in school was easy. We see each other 5 times a week and have similar battles to conquer. Social circles are intertwined and we share memories. I remember playing ‘Connect’ back in my junior college days. A game to determine the fastest guesser of the word you have in mind. You give hints to guide the group to that word; many times I relied on inside jokes and secret codes to win. Things I’ve built after numerous interactions with those friends.
Now, being a single young adult means that my close friends spend most of their time with their partners, families, colleagues, and friends of common interest (to which I discovered it’s mostly exercise-related). Everyone is always busy with something. The stages of life and struggles differ. To sustain this adult friendship requires deliberate effort and care. It sometimes means that you’ve got to be the one that reaches out first. It can feel lonely and clingy.
That surge of why does it always has to be me passes as quickly as it comes. Squashing down that insecurity bug in me. I remind myself that I want to spend time with friends who have helped shape me into the person I am today. Even if it means always being the one to remember and reaching out first. Why does it matter at the end of the day if I enjoy this friendship?
Beyond dealing with my pride, I learned that just because I choose to put in the effort, it doesn’t equate that the other party will do the same. Any relationship takes two hands to clap and friendship operates the same way. Some people are okay to let that friendship fade and I’ve to be okay with that.
In a way, adult friendship is more precious to me. It’s susceptible to various circumstances and being there for someone becomes a weighty promise. The evolution of my friendships into 3 groups.
- Friends with shared memories. It’s tough to build new memories with these friends cause I don’t see them often. But as shared topics wither down, we count on diversity in our experiences and reminiscing past memories to continue. The frequency of our meetings can be narrowed down to festive seasons.
- Friends with shared interests. I dabbled in their interest to create new experiences with them. Playing the same game, watching the same series, exercising, and traveling together. I’ve done it all. We chat more often due to common topics and I like to text friends whenever certain things remind me of them.
- Friends with shared schedules. Birthdays are a thing within my circle. Having a somewhat fixed time to see each other a few times a year works wonders. I have a friend whom I promise to meet 3 times a year to eat Korean food and we’ve been friends for a decade.
No one group is more important than another. It’s an observation of how my own friendships turn out. I don’t want to be so busy and allow life to pass me by that I forget the living. A question I ask myself from time to time is — If this is going to be the last 15 times I’m going to see this person for the rest of my life, am I alright with that?
